“Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights” Transcript

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“Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights” Transcript

[Instrumental. A snowy sky. Night. The opening titles play shortly and the screen pans down to the town of Dukesberry, where a factory and a bridge are seen. Shots of the town are shown as the narrator speaks (voiced by Rob Schnieder)]
Narrator: {Shot of a neighborhood} Well, all right. Look at all that beautiful, white stuff come down. {Shot of giant ice menorah and Santa sculptures being worked on behind the banquet hall} Christmas is right around the corner and Chanukah starts tonight. {Shot of someone lighting a menorah on the first candle} Ain’t a better time of year. You got no school, you can eat like a pig, {shot of two people driving happily in a car, up to the necks in presents} and people give you stuff. Just makes you feel tingly all over. (laughs) {Shot of the town church} But you know what? There are some buffoons out there who actually can’t stand the holiday season. {Shots of a fire station and a nativity scene} And seeing other people enjoy the festivities gets them even more disgusted. {Shot of Dukesberry’s entrance} As a matter of fact, the head honcho of holiday humbug lives right here in little old Dukesberry. {Shot of the China Dragon} lives right here in little old Dukesberry. His name’s Davey Stone. And that fool is sittin’ in the China Dragon coming up with his own way of feeling tingly all over.
[Inside the China Dragon. Davey Stone is sitting in a booth, slurping up another Scorpion bowl. The China Dragon Waiter comes over to hand Davey the bill]
Davey: Hmm?
China Dragon Waiter: Four scorpion bowl in five minute? That’s got to be a restaurant record.
Davey: (drunk) Well, right now I’m going to go for another restaurant record: longest burp.
[Davey burps a huge burp, breaking the glasses on a group across the restaurant, even disgusting a homeless man outside]
China Dragon Waiter: Congratulations. Now, please excuse me while I go take shower.
[Davey looks at the bill as a kid from the booth next to his peers]
Narrator: At one time, Davey was a super student, super athlete {Davey rips the bill up and heads out} super sweet, super kid and the apple of his parents’ eye.
[Outside. Night. Davey bumps into a woman]
Narrator: Now, he’s just a 33-year-old crazy Jewish guy {Davey heads drunkenly towards his car, making another car almost swerve} who lives for making this town as miserable as he is {Two policemen look at Davey, and then look at each other} especially on the first night of Chanukah. {The policemen drive off} How’d he end up this way? Let’s save that for later {Davey grabs his keys and tries to insert them into his car} because right now, Davey’s about to get himself into some serious trouble.
[Davey’s car door lock is seen, with key marks all around it, signifying that he’s done this thing before. He tries to put the key in, but he’s too drunk to balance himself right to do it. The two policemen drive up behind Davey]
Policeman #1: Hope you’re not planning on driving tonight, Stone.
Davey: Oh, no officer. I’m just going to say good night to my car then walk home and enjoy the holiday decorations. (to his car) Listen, sweetheart. (pats the car) I have to leave you here alone tonight, but don’t you worry, I’ll be back first thing in the morning. Now behave yourself, and don’t stay up too late. Heh. Nighty-night. (he walks off, and turns off the car, which beeps, in which makes him look back at the car) All right, baby, but let’s make this quick. {The policemen look at Davey strangely} Oh, mama! (lies face down on the back of the car) You like it when I hold you like this? (rubs against the car) Because I’ll do it all night long. (licks the car) Soooo sweet. (licks the car again) Yes, so precious. (slaps and bangs on the car’s rear) Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! I love you car!
[Policeman #1 is disgusted by this, while Policeman #2 has tears in his eyes. Suddenly, CDW (China Dragon Waiter) is yelling and standing in front the China Dragon, catching the police’s attention]
CDW: He dine and dash me! He chew and screw me! He sip and skip me!
Policeman #1: What?
CDW: He no pay for his four scorpion bowl!
Davey: Oh, boy.
[Tecnho rock music begins as the police start to chase Davey, who runs off]
Policeman #2: Get him!
[Davey runs off to an alley, where a man is putting away his trash. Davey steals the lid and begins to ride it]
Davey: Whee-hee-hee-hee!
Man #1: Come back here, you jerk!
[The music changes into that of “Davey’s Song”, the first musical number. Davey whisks across a street, and two police cars slide next to each other trying to capture him]
Policeman #2: Somebody stop that guy!
I’m a kinda guy who can’t stand a holiday (grabs a light strand and swings from it)

So I drink ‘em all away, that’s me (ties the strand around people carrying a tree)

I don’t decorate no trees

And I won’t eat no potato latkes (knocks a bowl of latkes out of a man’s hands)

But I’ll give this old lady’s melons a squeeze (squeezes a lady’s melons she’s carrying)
Old Lady: Hey!
That’s just who I am

Well, I’ll never spin a dreidel, but I’ll always throw an egg (ruins a dreidel game)

And I’ll charley horse your leg for laughs (hits a guy with an egg and hits the man’s leg)

While you’re singing your holiday tunes (approaches some carolers)

I’m acting like the town buffoon

Whippin’ out my big, white, scary moon (moons the carolers)
Carolers: Aaah!
Davey: And blowin’ a beef your way (lets out a huge fart on the carolers)
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